When he got worse and moved a state over, we would obviously talk a lot more on the phone. We talked all the time to begin with, but as time went on, our chats became different. Obviously the tumor was growing. Our talks became more like a lifeline, for both of us. We were our safe spaces; for each other, in so many different ways. Even if it was just our voices, we needed each other. Plain and simple. He gave me a purpose, and I tried to be his prayer. One which tried to ans

Who finds out that their partner is going to be diagnosed to die on NYE? Who is at the hospital when the doctor says terminal brain cancer on New Years Fucking Eve? Jesus. You couldn't be kicked harder. Stage 4 glioblastoma?!? Oh wait it was us. Or rather you. I couldn't have yelled fuck louder. How do we learn how to let go while holding on? How do you enter a new year when you have been robbed of hope from the previous one? Life is unpredictable. But we must need to be re

It's amazing what a year can do and undo. My kids no longer believe in Santa, I am completely guilty of said offense. They are teenagers and quite frankly I am exhausted of keeping up with this "magic" The late nights of moving that stupid ass Elf and hiding gifts I forget. I can't even remember where my bathroom is. Therefore I guess I killed it. Then yet also what haven't I killed these days?! My kids hope? Spirit? Confidence? The list goes on. What address does that lette

I recently was on a trip with my kids. I wandered into Tiffany's. I literally do not get it. Yet I own many of their pieces. Insert side eye vibes, totally warranted. My kids and I were adequately dressed. No one paid us any mind. Therefore, I saw a set of stairs and figured perhaps that was where I belonged since no one gave me a minute of their time on the lower level . Upon my arrival on the second floor, I was met with a gentleman whom was quick to address the fact that

Not quite my thing. I am more of a "hello" person truth be told. But aren't we all? It's way more fun to meet people than let them go. The novelty of meeting someone is superb. It is a romantic concept really. One where everyone you are introduced to stays, smiles, and strives. They stay perfect and present, and loyal. They stay pretty and polished. They are poetic, and they stay perseverant in their beliefs in the person who is you. But that's not life is it? Life is perfec

As Thanksgiving has once again come and gone I find myself lamentful, but supremely thankful. And yet, I find myself reliving a day that will forever haunt me. Newport was ours. So spending this first trueThanksgiving without you has me remembering a lot. Truth be told I have never forgotten. I am always remembering. Every. single. day. That said... It is jarring to relive that last day because this past Thanksgiving I saw and felt so clearly your love for me, and I for you a

From the time I was a little girl I was a "performer." I would get this step stool thing at my grandmother's house, put on my Annie wig and sing for her dinner guests. Side note, I am tone deaf. None the less, I belted out those lyrics with confidence. I thought I was a super star. As of late? Not so much. My parents always said I was destined to be famous, that said, did they mean like Taylor Swift famous or a Bonnie type famous? Guess time will tell. I am a firm believer th

A person who truly loves you should admire you like a piece of art. They should hang you on a wall and just stare at you and smile. They should love the view, and enjoy every minute. Because they love you, inherently, they enjoy you. They should treasure you. We are all a Mona Lisa. Beautiful to some, horrific to others, none the less, enjoyed and applauded by those who choose to. The people who love you should put you in a frame, and under glass, because they know you deserv

It was in our silence that we shouted for each other. It was in our secrecy we kept our solace. Our laughter is where we located our lives, our love, and our levity. It was in our intimacy for each other that we found intrigue and intelligence. It was always intense, but it was ours, and ours alone Our tribulations? Ours. Our smiles? Ours. Our standards? Ours. Inside jokes? Ours. Our triumphs? Ours. In our silence we found solitude and safety. In our secrets we discovered ou

Grief is love. It is just love that you can no longer give to a place where you so desperately want it to go. Grief is all of that unspent love that ends up gathering in the corners of your eyes, which ends up spilling onto your cheeks at a moments notice. Grief is a map that led you to a destination you didn't want to go to. Grief is a silence you never realized could shout. Grief is the presence of an absence you could never have imagined you would miss. Yet grief is also t

My appetite hasn't been great as of late. A few days back I found chicken kievs at the grocery store, I nearly lost my shit. I haven't been able to find it in years. My mom would make them as a treat. I bought almost every box. As my kids were trick or treating I figured I treat myself in an empty house. I made rice and that delicacy of chicken. Once it was ready I was so excited. The minute I took it out of the oven it fell on the floor spilling out all of that flavored butt

When we are born, we are innocent, and filled with it; purity. It is through the many human conditions we endure that can and often times does steal it away. Birth, Death, Sickness, Relationships. I have lost faith in a lot of different ways, but I also am trying NOT to lose it at the same time. Talk about juxtaposition. I have realized that happiness can show itself as tears of joy and also tears of sorrow. God have I found out these past few years through of all the above s

Life is the most difficult exam you will ever take. The questions. Predicaments. Circumstances. That being said, a lot of people fail...

Well let's start with the fact that I am awake. So there's that! However, I had a lot to do on my punch list. Of which I accomplished a...

I have 3 dogs. Amazing cute doggie pies. A big one, middle sized one, and a tiny. Cute, crazy, little, AND big, make up the "pack" I have...

Sometimes we give people a pedestal, a platform. We give them accolades and bestow upon them their achievements over their behavior. And...

We had our routines. Special places. Loving practices. Did you have your coffee? Did you have your tea? A collective echo of, did you...

I have forgotten to remember that yes, I am mourning, but so are they. My kids. They are sad and trying to cope like I am. I forgot that,...

Certain things used to bring me joy and as of late anything I try to do just doesn't spark the joy it did a few mere months ago. Reading....

Imagine reading a book with no way to turn back the page. How carefully and intently would you read it knowing the information you have...