I have forgotten teenage angst. I have forgotten happiness. I have forgotten who I was. I have forgotten what hormones feel like. I have forgotten companionship and friendships. I have forgotten laughter on way too many days. I have forgotten patience, within myself and others. I have forgotten the art of socializing. I don't truly care to leave my house. At times the sadness I feel so overwhelming and heavy; feeling paralyzed by the easiest of tasks that all I can do it sit.

Some days I am just not sure. Not sure how I woke up. Not sure how I am raising three kids mostly by myself. Not sure how I have done all of this alone. Sure, it's not impossible, or even important I suppose. But I need to acknowledgethat it is and has been tough. People live through way worse, and that does not go unnoticed by me. This is no woe is me. That said... I had a partner, and he left. Found another and he too, left. Both for different reasons. Now I am flying truly

My father was never a proponent of propane. That was too easy. And just like him? I like to be difficult. So when we grilled? We grilled. With charcoal. Weber baby. He explained it as an art. Something to be taught and trained in. It wasn't a turn it on and go, it was something to be studied. You have to make sure the coals are evenly distributed and that means you need to have one side higher, because that is where the heat will live, and where you need to start the cooking

My grandmother was the true definition of an enigma wrapped in a riddle. She had many names. Many spellings. But only one personality, charming. She would have been 105 today. Happy birthday to a brand of class the world openly recongnized, and one I fear will never see again. One I grew up with, whilst never understanding the magic I was in the presence of. She was just my grandmother. I grew up knowing a woman who was smart, silly and, savvy. I grew up knowing a matriarch.

Tomorrow it will be one year. But truly more like a year and a half. Once he got the diagnosis, it went by very fast. For him, I suppose that was a good thing, for me? Pure agony. But I was distracted by doctors visits, hospital visits, brain surgery and overall just taking care of him. I didn't have time to remember how he made me made my tea every morning. I didn't recall his biweekly runs to Costco to pick up everyone's favorites and gas. His tech expertise. Our weekly lun

He was my safe space. He was my person. He protected me. He was proactive for me. We fell into other like a perfect trap. But not caught; collected. Into each other. He protected me. I never felt lacking. Or wanting. I wasn't scared. If I was scared it was because he would leave. But he never did, he dug in. Meanwhile when the tumor got bigger he was scared I would leave. Yeah, never. He showed up stronger when I felt weak. Perhaps that's why I showed up ten times more than w

Recently the University of Tik Tok has been showing me many videos of people climbing Mt. Everest. First off I will share the following with you. I have done no official research, well because I have no plans EVER, to climb it. That said, it's like 4 months and 100 grand. Did I mention I am deathly afraid of heights? Anyways, these videos I am seeing look like lines to get into the Knicks playoffs except at 8 thousand plus feet on a tightrope. I saw an interview with a dude w

It's been almost a year. A year filled with too much loss, but a year I envision to be replaced with hope. The sadness replaced with smiles. The tradegy replaced with triumph, and the tears replaced with a new trajectory. I have taken a break from life. But I never let it slide away. I just got into my cocoon. While I patiently waited to become a butterfly. I think I am there. Or atleast I hope so. I guess the world will be my judge. Lord knows I have survived worse. I think

You didn't lose me when you actually left. You lost, and left me, well before that. Not sure you were ever there to begin with truth be told. That said... You lost me in your lies. You lost me in your cheating. You lost me when I was in my deepest low. You lost me when I begged for for help, and recieved none. You lost me when I looked to you for hope, and found despair. You lost me when I asked for truth, and found lies. You lost me when I asked to be consoled, but you becam

As a former teacher, and a person who loves the spot light, wink wink, aka hell no; I am awful at public speaking; especially if it includes an emotional matter. So yeah, the irony, insert a sigh. Yesterday, I cried my way through my speech at my Aunts memorial ceremony. Quite frankly I can't believe I said anything; and publicly? Yikes! Again, I don't do public speaking. Nonetheless... I was aptly named after my mother's two sisters. Cynthia and Elizabeth. Or more well kno

I was recently awarded a frequent flyer reward! Jk. The flight was underbooked, henceforth... I got a whole row to myself! Forget business class! All those Aldi carts I paid for and didn't take that quarter back?! Well it was paid forward ten fold. Jesus definitely took the wheel on this one. I might as well have called myself Hugh Hefner; and I get the awkward back to back references. Whatever, get a life. Insert a robe and smoking slippers, and perhaps a cross. Anyways, I a

I may have been an only child, but I was, and have, been blessed with many mothers. My grandmother being the Queen Bee, ofcourse my mother, duh, and my aunts coming in close seconds. Recently I lost 2 out of 3. Luckily I still have one Mama left. My grandmother was the OG. The GOAT. Yet, my Aunt Cindy, my namesake, she was a different kind of special. I will never forget going to a family wedding event when she "styled me." I wore Gauthier pants and she lent me her Theirry Mu

If there is one thing I have learned from my time on Earth, there is a huge difference between stupid and shady. This past year I got to learn that lesson first hand, and I am done excepting stupid as an even exchange for shady and sheisty. Some people are just straight up assholes. They aren't dumb, they are selfish jerks. I will no longer accept the excuse of "they don't know any better." Yes, they do; however they choose not to act accordingly. My eyes are so wide open at

Having attended two too many funerals lately, I have realized how much I have attended alone; solo. Two other deaths I have suffered through; with no closure. No pomp and circumstance. No support. No recogniztion. A pandemic for one and pandemonium for another. Silence and solitary confinement for both. Not the best circumstances for loss. Lies, lonliness, betrayal and blame for one. Abandonment and absence for another. Not the best environment to process grief. These past tw

This past year has found me more and more finding mornings I am not sure I want to face. The mundane and obvious tasks of making dinners and doing chores with little to no help whilst feeling insane? Not exactly enticing. Yeah, so l instead supplement my depression and frustration with Netflix and Tik Tok. Or, the usual calls that someone has forgotten their own life's needs that I need to deliver, (bathing suits, track shoes, etc) while I am still waiting for someone to deli

I need to find a camera crew stat. Not for fame. But to immortalize the crazy funny insanity that is my life. This time for airplane antics, oh wait that would be a majority of my antics, just kidding, I think my life is a so called antic. I have bought, borrowed and begged for many a suitcase on a return flight home, mostly because memorabilia was calling my name, and I love me some vacation merch. This time it was on the way into a trip we were told we were overweight. Inte

Apparently April is the month that brings showers. Mine happen to be within my eyes. May flowers best be on their way. April stole three of the most important women in my life. Two of which were taken within two weeks of each other. My mother was tough, but fair. All that she threw down was deserved, even if perhaps, not the way she delivered it. The same goes for my Aunt and Grandmother. That said, my Grandmother delivered her teachings in Mariboo heels, a silk robe, and se

I have found out the very hard way that people don't like the icks. They like happy, pleasant and joyous. The minute things turn? Yeah not so much. The gavels come out and the judgement weighs in heavy. The people who don't need to be in the trenches with you? Scatter like cockraches when the lights come on. One of my children, who shall remain nameless decided to join me to celebrate the life of my aunt, after whom I am named. They declared we never did anything for Nanie, m

We never get a second chance. But we do get a first chance. With that said, we never get a first chance to make a second impression. Let that sink in. I'll let you walk down the block to pick your brain off the sidewalk after that. Yes, what I just shared was that groundbreaking. I am a nerd. Unfunny. Awkward. Introverted, asshole. I don't like people. Hell, I barely like myself, let's be honest. But I am consistent in the fact that I show up. Day after day. Terrible day afte

When people die we often think of the things we never said to them. More often times than not, I recant the things I did say and did. And I cringe. The things I wish I could take back? Infinite. The stuff I wish I had conveyed differently? Unimaginable. The arguments over stupid shit? Forever and a day. So to the people I have loved and lost, I wish there were many things I could tell you; specifically about taking back the hurtful words I spewed. The anger about the circums