April.

It was April 15th at 8am. I had just seen a cardinal out of my kitchen window when the phone rang. My stomach turned into a knot. I answered knowing exactly what I would hear. The nurse said, "I'm sorry..." I just started crying, she didn't have to finish the sentence, I knew. Ten days earlier I had gotten the call from the rehabilitation facilty where my mother was, that she had contracted covid.

A month prior I had been in Mexico celebrating my birthday and covid was nothing more than a joke as I drank a corona at the swim up bar. Upon returning to the States, they started to put up barriers at the grocery store and you couldn't find toliet paper. Even now it is hard to find paper towels. When I got back from Mexico they had already shut down her rehab to outside visitors so I never actually saw her again. We talked everyday by phone and I assured her that the outside world was turning to shit and that she would be safer there then what was going on here. As I type this now I feel so guilty for telling her that, but I didn't know. I didn't know more than 36 people from her facility alone would be some of the first victims in New Jersey.

So when I got the call she was positive my heart sank. My mother was a nearly lifelong smoker and she was in the top portion of those most susceptible. The last time I spoke to her, after I had a priest give her her last rites, was to tell her that I loved her and she could let go and be with my father. As an only child, that has been the hardest thing I have had to do. Even just typing about out it brings tears to my eyes. I knew when she left I would be alone. I was the last of my immediate family and at 41 that is a tough pill to swallow.

The one thing that also comes to mind about those crazy few days was the strength of my 3 kids. I told them Nanie was sick and asked if they wanted to say anything to her. They all took turns to say their last goodbyes. I was so proud of them. They are only 7, 9 and 11. The absolute crappiest part of all of this was when the facility knew she didn't have long and said they would put me in PPE and I could see her. I said no. I loved her and felt terrible to see her alone, but I had 3 kids, and we had no idea if I would be bringing covid back to my kids. I felt like my heart had been ripped out clean.

They say with the death of your mother goes a piece of your heart. I can attest to the truth in that. Knowing if you get hurt, or sick, or just need a pep talk, no one will be there for you like she was. The one person who loved you the most in this world is gone, and with that comes a true sense of humility. It was in April my heart got ripped into a thousand pieces, and in April, I realized how hard it is to be a parent when your whole world is falling apart.