I appreciate your candor and honesty.
I also admire the fact that you thought that you knew how to navigate a situation you have never been through better than I.
Wow, that is truly amazing.
Madam Cleo is even calling someone.
I am so sorry I handled my situation and predicament so poorly.
But let me step aside for you to deal with it, because clearly you know better.
My bad.
The saying, delusions of grandeur wouldn't even begin to explain how actually insane I feel you are.
Comical, to be honest.
Gotcha.
Clearly, you identify as Magellan and know the way, so I won't worry, because you know how to navigate uncharted waters and how to get there without issue or any hiccups.
Forget Uber, I will just call you.
Oh wait, you don't answer.
My ride has a destination you aren't ready for, so you just cancel.
Got it.
I am done with the bullshit excuses for your absence when I needed you the most.
It has been FOUR years.
May I remind you that as an only child, I lost a parent AND a partner within 6 months.
Oh, and during a PANDEMIC?
However, I am super envious of how you know how to get to where I need to go seamlessly and without issue?!
Got it.
I find it even more amazing that you feel you would be able to figure this perfect path out; with three kids in tow, and no family in sight.
I am glad you found it so impressively simple and obvious.
I am sorry that I didn't follow your mantra on how to live and soldier on perfectly, because you are clearly a General, and know how to get things done, correctly and swiftly.
I will not apologize that I fell, stuttered, and faltered during my lowest low, and went on to continue on imperfectly, but none the less CONTINUED on.
But more importantly, I stuck around, willingly, even when I was hurting so badly I couldn't find words or emotions, and perhaps the proper actions or behaviors.
But all the while, my kids remained my world.
I never stopped taking care of them, even when I may not have done the same for myself.
They are everything.
They always have been and will be.
They have kept me alive, and they always will.
I would lay on train tracks for them without question.
They are the good in the world.
They are the ones that propped me up when I couldn't stand.
I would like to think I curated them that way, but then again what do I know, and why would I even try to give myself credit?
Lord knows I couldn't depend on friends, because they jumped ship when the waters got rocky.
There was no Titanic situation or even Titan happenstance.
Usain Bolt has competition.
My kids are angels.
They have served as my personal angels aka life rafts.
They are the ones that kept me afloat.
I would also like to say that I am also not sorry that I am angry that I didn't receive empathy or compassion from you during all of this.
Or should I say, that I am pissed that it came with an extremely short timeline; one which I clearly exceeded.
What I wanted was a hand out and help up; but what I received was advice and admonishment and a rude wake up to a group of people I adored.
But when the masks came off, it showed a group of people that I apparently did not know.
Especially when I needed them.
I came to see an unwanted, totally unwarranted, and completely unwelcome situation.
I needed, and wanted support, and I made that abundantly clear, perhaps not in the most perfect way, but I tried the best I could.
I am so sorry my needs apparently came with regulations, edicts and judgement.
I am sorry you handled my requests in a way that you found not only not ideal,but imperceptible.
I am far from perfect, but I am still a person.
I didn't realize that there were rules to dealing with grief and loss.
But guess what?
I am still here.
I soldiered on, without "leadership".
I commandeered and charted a course that may not have been the one you wanted; but I am still here.
The milestones I missed?
Good one.
Well here are the ones you were absent for...
These are the "milestones" you missed.
They were ones that consisted of half a dozen hospital visits.
Multiple surgeries.
Graduations.
Track meets.
Carpools.
School plays.
Dance school drop offs.
Play Dates.
Sleepovers.
Birthdays.
Vacations.
Yeah I was there for it all, and did it solo.
So please, do yourself a favor, and truly listen to yourself and the ridiculousness you convey.
I will not, nor ever, feel guilty for what I wanted or needed when I was down and out.
I am just sorry you couldn't provide the support and shore me up to see it.
Don't get me wrong, I am wishing you the best.
But I am living, and trying my best to thrive.
All the while knowing you haven't, and clearly could not ever fathom what I have been through.
All the while acknowledging that you are able to find yourself comfortable judging me on how I am commandeering my ship, one you have never been on?
Good one.
Please do yourself a favor and grab a mirror, because I would love to know what perfection looks like.
In all sincerity, good luck in what I hope will be your amazing beautiful future.
Seriously.
A path which I hope will be filled with lots of friends; friends whom I hope are able to possess more compassion and empathy than you had for me.
You thought that you can't water a dead plant and expect it to grow.
I get it now.
I am so sorry you feel and felt that way about me.
But what I am realizing now is that I never needed water, because first of all, I was never dead to begin with, I was stalled, and also because I see now that I can still germinate without water, and I will blossom.
However, it just may not be into the flower you imagined.
Best.
Xoxo,
C.
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