I recently just came upon a revelation.
Forget waterboarding and other torturous ways of getting information.
Put any suspect in a room with kids, and in the course of an hour, I swear you will have all the information you need.
You see, NO ONE, is more motivated to get something, than a determined child.
NO ONE.
They will break you quicker than a detective investigating a serial killer case.
Fracture you faster, than stepping on a brittle stick.
If kids had a soundtrack, it would be, "I Did It My Way", by Frank Sinatra.
That's the thing, kids are savages.
They don't possess a fuck meter yet, therefore, they give NONE.
I mean ZERO.
They are the same people who will cry about not feeling well, and yet refuse to take the very medicine that would make them feel better.
They will proclaim starvation, and then look you dead in the eye, as they spit out a beautiful dinner you slaved over, and make it seem as if you actively tried to poison them.
Kids have no issue telling you how awful you look.
In fact, the reason you probably look awful, is because of them.
Yet they take no ownership of that, but I digress.
They take ownership of nothing, if the truth were to be told.
Asking them questions, is like getting directions from the Scarecrow, in The Wizard of Oz.
They make you think you are losing your mind.
Yet, they have quietly stolen yours, with enthusiasm.
THE ENDLESS WHINING.
They somehow make you believe that their wants, and needs, trump yours, even though they pay ZERO bills.
Somehow inducing the idea, no matter how many degrees you possess, you are now a chauffeur, at their command, without pay.
They will also willingly lay down in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store, because you wouldn't get them ice cream at 9 am.
You don't believe me?
Oh, I know, because it has happened.
To me.
You think you are strong willed?
Well then you my friend, you are a fool.
Have kids.
They will circle you like a shark, waiting for you to breakdown, and give in.
They will give you their Christmas lists on December 26th with authority.
Ferociously.
They will complain about anything and everything.
Asking them to bathe?!
How dare you be that audacious!
Kids are somehow born feeling so insanely entitled.
Maybe it is because they spent 9 months in the worlds most exclusive hotel.
Boy or girl, I will use this phrase to describe them, they have got some "big cajunes,"
They will look directly at you, and not listen to a word you say, all the while smiling, and mentally giving you the middle finger.
Most likely making a mess as they pretend it isn't happening.
Asking for a snack so many times, you just concede.
Even if it means potato chips at 6am.
Eat ANYTHING, and leave so many crumbs, you aren't exactly sure what made it into their mouths.
They have no problem having a tantrum in public, to make sure that you surrender to their wishes.
It's like they smell fear, and pounce.
Gleefully, I might add.
Giddy.
And man, are they RELENTLESS.
They mentally exhaust you.
Eroding any sense of true intelligence.
Calculating when to strike, and doing so with vengeance.
Making you forget almost everything you may have learned in your time on this Earth.
And then beyond that, making you question your very own sanity.
Playing with it, like a dog with their bone.
That same sense of reality, which they have stolen, and then proceed to parade in front of your very own eyes, exuberantly.
So the next time the CIA or FBI need to get some intel out of someone, bring in a kid.
After an hour of dealing with them, I am sure you will get the info you need.
Wink wink.
You're welcome.
Xoxo,
C.
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