I remember hearing during many a history class, that, many BRAVE MEN got into ships a while ago, and pretty much, collectively said, 'fuck it,' set sail., AND, created the World as we know it.
No maps, no GPS, no cell phones. No SOS.
NOTHING.
Nope.
None.
Nothing.
These were desperate men.
The men I know today won't even go to the bathroom without a phone.
As far as my memory serves, the Vikings weren't even looking for spices!
They must have just woken up everyday and said, 'let me hop into a wooden vessel and see what happens, or, thought to themselves, who we can plunder, capture and torture today?!
Leading me to think, shit must have been SO BAD back in the day, that, AS A MAN, they figured it would be more awesome to board a ship, with a bunch of other DUDES, for no real reason, other than besides finding some spices, a bit of trading, or engaging in a quick War, to keep themselves busy as a practical option.
The concept of sailing somewhere you may or may NOT get to, this was thought found to be more appealing than Terra Firma.
But Bitches be cray?
Yeah, that is what makes me think, men literally must have thought, "I just need to get away, find myself, or find something, anything. But I must do this."
In my mind, I imagine them hearing, "Come Sail Away" by Styx, as the theme song of their patriotic sendoff.
HOWEVER, I am pretty sure our great explorers weren't quoting Styx songs on their voyages.
AND that is why their soundtrack went rogue.
Quickly turning "Village People."
'In the Navy..."
BUT,
We're half way there...(maybe they also liked some Bon Jovi...?)
Brave?
Surely.
Dumb AF?
Yeah, they were the idiots.
The same men who can barely stomach a conversation about how to get anywhere... These are the same men who used to EXPLORE!
Well, actually that one, does make complete sense.
The same breed who once wandered the Earth, are coincidentally the same men who now have to be begged to get a lawn mowed.
Unless it involves a riding mower. (Totally different blog for that.)
The same people who hundreds of years ago were ready to board a SHIP, to find something better, with limited nautical tools and a map that indicated there was a good chance the Earth was flat and they would fall off...
And yet, they all still had the gumption to say,
"HELL YEAH!! LET'S DO THIS!"
Provisions?
Not exactly Perrier and Prosecco.
And, well I am not exactly a historian, I think I can safely say, the Santa Maria didn't come with an endless Cool Ranch supply.
This is what makes me question if men are serious idiots, or perfection.
Men might as well be creatures women observe in the zoo.
They are intriguing, make you laugh, but as a woman, you are happy to leave them there and smile, because ultimately, we instinctively know, that they are another liability.
To be honest, if you feel the need to board a boat with other dudes, for no real reason, with an insane plan, I am not sure I can commit to that.
Men, for all intents and purposes are on a never ending quest to outdo themselves, with or without the correct resources.
Perhaps this accounts for us WOMEN living longer?
Just throwing that out there.
But they are majestic curious creatures, and aren't we taught to admire intriguing things?
So while I may not have been there ( even though my children think I was), but GOING BACK to recap, a few thousand/hundreds of years ago, a group of men looked at each other, and actively thought, let's do this shit!
Build a boat.
Grab a crew.
And set motherfucking sail.
Without ONE woman, any Advil, or even Tums.
BUT WITH A "PLAN."
There is a reason 'plan; is in quotes.
That is because the "plan", was more like operation, "Let's See What Happens."
MEN.
(Actually, I am now realizing woman are men, but with more antennae, and quite frankly, a FUCK TON more safety nets.)
Now, come to think of it, in my mind, I am now seeing, and applauding, all those early women dealing with this RIDICULOUSNESS, and can say, those were the real badasses.
I can say this because tonight...
My son left his shoes in the middle of the hallway as if a UFO had beamed him up.
His shoes were left, DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING HALLWAY LIKE SCOTTY BEAMED HIS ASS UP mid walk.
Vanished.
It was as if I was witnessing Pompeii LIVE!.
And yet minutes later, we discussed the GDP of European countries.
Men and women share about as many traits as a cow and a cat.
There is NOTHING we have in common, yet, we 'compliment' each other if you will.
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when a Phoenician left his wife to go hit the seas and conquer.
Like what did she say?
"Good luck honey, hope you come home alive, with some trophies, and without an STD."
Trust me, the thought of boarding a wooden boat with a bunch of women, with limited red wine, and no idea how LONG you are on said ship?
There is NOT ONE women I know that would EVER agree to this.
That boat is going to look an episode of Oprah's favorite things on a cruise ship, to Titanic, REAL QUICK.
So while I will let the gents take credit for SOME things...
Trust me, it wasn't the drunk explorers that were true heroes.
It was us.
Women.
We kept that shit within reason.
When Erik got home, someone needed to tell him Rome wasn't built in a day, and that he doesn't always need to be trying to find something 'out there,' when I was here all along (wink wink).
But seriously, his wife also needed to massage his bruised ego so he could go back out again tomorrow and crush it.
AND she was doing this, knowing, or at least thinking, fully well, that he was bat shit crazy.
Women are the silent heroes here.
Who was waiting for them to get back with some chicken soup?
Actively ready to help them replicate.
Who was listening to their stories of plunders gone rogue while patching up their loin cloths?
US.
Meanwhile, did I tell you I am taking a class in cartography?
JK.
Until I see it as an option in the community learning center catalog that is...
This whole thing reminding me, that sometimes we need to let the idiots take the first leap, while holding their hands and telling them they got this!
Sometimes the cheerleaders and support system ARE everything.
So on that note, I need to map a route to Jersey, and by mapping, I mean Googling.
In my WARM house.
ON LAND.
Xoxo,
C.
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