As I have started this whole thing, apparently referred to as, 'the aging process', I have begun to realize how much I care less and less of what other people think of, and, about me.
Case in point.
This past weekend, I got lost.
What's new?
That should be the title of my first book.
Subtitled; Blame it on the GPS.
(As well as the fact I have bleached my hair one too many times.)
I have to own that one.
I am mature.
Remember?
The whole aging thing.
So here's a VERY brief recap, I just wanted to enjoy ONE night away in a place that wasn't my home.
I believe these places are called, hotels.
So during this seemingly mundane process of getting there, I actually ended up driving onto a hiking trail, and had to drive for a mile and a half BACKWARDS to get myself out of said conundrum.
Don't ask, don't tell isn't just for the military.
I love a good adventure, but even this one was, as the kids say, "bro you're doing too much."
I am extra like that.
Wink wink.
So by the time I became, found, woke, or whatever you want to call it to said hotel, exasperated is the nicest term I can muster up to describe my feelings and attitude.
So when I finally found the parking lot I had been looking for, I may or may not have been going a bit quickly, to literally park my ass, and start to enjoy my getaway.
I will henceforth refer to my tone as excited.
I am using all these references loosely, as you bet my ass will plead the fifth in court.
I taught criminal law if you'll recall.
Anyways, upon parking, I was met with a couple of a similar age to mine who began to shout profanities at me and my superior driving skills.
I will remind you, I had just driven A MILE AND A HALF BACKWARDS ON A HIKING TRAIL.
Mario Andretti ain't got shit on me.
It was like a reverse Indy 500...except for the small fact that it was filled with, you called it, HIKERS.
Side note, it was a pair of senior citizens that helped me get out of that predicament, WITHOUT issue, and compassion to boot.
Anywho...
This "gentleman" proceeded to call me a toddler killer and then felt the need to yell at the top of his lungs that he wanted to "fuck me."
IN FRONT of his WIFE. (his words NOT mine)
Trust me the only thing I was looking to kill was a cocktail after everything I had been through.
But I could tell from his tone, and use of language, which was met by my best sailor impression across the parking lot, that he was seriously concerned about all those toddlers with his proficient use of communication and extent of his knowledge of the English language.
I am now looking back and am actually more concerned about the state of his marriage than any 2 year old within a mile of where I was.
I mean I could make a trucker blush, but considering his level of concern for those poor toddlers, of which, I saw not ONE, FYI, and my driving, did I mention I had to drive BACKWARDS?!?
The irony is NEVER lost on me.
So yeah, I used my finest and best F words to let him know how I too, was super concerned about those poor children.
He being the biggest one I could see.
And I have three.
I didn't see anything but he and his wife.
But the poor babies!
I have been called many things in my life.
Child killer?
That's a first.
And trust me, if any child is going to die at my hands?
It will be one of mine.
By the way, I need to post a disclaimer, I would NEVER do that.
If you are a parent, you will get my humor, and if you are a parent that doesn't?
You're not my people.
And guess what?
I have reached the appropriate age where I don't give a flying fuck.
May you be able to do the same.
Xoxo,
C.
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