Why Care?

I find myself caring all too often about a lot of shit knowing fully well, I shouldn't.

But I can't get out my my own way, and sadly, or perhaps not, I am completely self aware about it.

At times, I do want to stop.

But, I can't.

Truth be told, I never could.

I am also too self aware to take criticism.

I am quite simply, too sensitive.

Truth be told, I want to connect so badly with people that I can't help myself from trying to be a helper and even a martyr.

Even if it comes at my expense.

I feel the need to let it all in.

I always have.

The world, the voices, the feelings, the people; I can't stop them from penetrating my world.

I want to rally around people.

But trust me, my filter?

Yeah I may have lost that in the playground along with some bones I may or may not have broken..

Perhaps this "habit if you will' comes because I love and hate life; all in the same sentence.

I have come to recognize that I have a desire to ameliorate people and consequently feel all of the feelings that accompany that; even it that means that it may hurt mine in the process.

The same hurt, the same love, the same hate, the same anger, the same annoyance, the same desire, the same truth, the same excitement; I will let it all in to try and be the better person.

I just need to remind myself that with caring can come disappointment.

Because not everyone will feel and care as deeply as I do.

I am an enigma like that.

But thus is life.

It is what I call, MY wheel of fortune.

One with letters that I wish I wouldn't always pick, but it appears Vanna quit.

I now know that my heart is too big to shut these choices out, so I need to find a way to embrace them all.

I have come to realize that I am an empath.

I long to be useful and end up finding myself feeling the feelings of others.

I also acknowledge that I should try harder for my voice to silence these needs; the ones to rescue people, but then again I also want to scream to these desires that I can do it all and prove them wrong.

And let it be known, I have have pension for being loud.

Yet I am trying to get over judgement, and that includes my own towards myself.

I need to be reminded that I can't let people siphon my strength, just as much as I can't give people mine.

I need to be sturdy with opinions, and strengths.

I need to be reminded to be my own fairy tale.

To pick and choose my battles, aka my own adventures.

To be told to let that hair down Rapunzel, but don't be afraid to save myself too.

Do not, nor ever let anyone, write your story.

Make sure that the pen remains in your your hand.

I guess I need to hear that we aren't always going to be right about what people need, but we will never know unless we try to aid them.

Just don't forget to help yourself during it all, and don't be afraid to let those who think they may be helping you, that well, perhaps they aren't.

And don't be afraid to hear that you are wrong in assuming someone needs something they don't.

However, if you do need guidance, never be afraid to ask.

It's a two way street.

Just be sure to look both ways.

Xoxo,

C..